Verbal abuse blame game

Trust your instincts on how your wives abused you! If you think it was abuse, it probably has a name related to abuse. Once you can name it, you can see it, and you can avoid it in the future. She isolated you well. I am so relieved that you are out of both relationships. Try talking on the hotlines and see if you can get some individual counseling before stepping into another romantic relationship. You need to let your heart heal a bit. Amazing advice.

My wife is abusive and I have just come to grips with it. This has helped me so much. Thank you! Your description of how this abuse works is congruent with what I am experiencing!

I am about to weep from emotional exhaustion after reading this. I feel trapped though, as I have two very young children within my short marriage. This abuse has gone on for a few years, and broke me down to search elsewhere for attention. This choice got me into a lot of trouble, as my guilt now weighs on top of the abuse. I never slept with the other woman, never even saw her. Only talked to her online. I know what I did is a huge mistake.

My emotional distress caused by her abuse led me to that point. She completely diverts, counters, crazy makes my head spin to a point where I have no idea where to go next. The thing that gets me in all of this is her own mother is very narcissistic and a master verbal abuser. My wife is a product of it. I can see where it all comes from. I have tried and tried to tell her to stop for her own fear of becoming her mother. She listens to nothing.

She refuses counsel, stating I am the one responsible for her pain and I need to go. I did go, and it helped me in other ways but not with this abuse. I have only recently come to grips with it. I fear for their little minds taking abuse from her. So I feel paternal instinct kicking in to protect them. The only way I can do that is to stay…for now. I am a strong woman coming out of a 22 yr long abusive relationship…. I would love to meet someone like Tom.

I have worked through rejection issues as a result of being adopted but have made poor choices in men. I never even took what I was entitled to as I was devastated and not thinking straight.

I had been raised Catholic so I assumed you got married and you stayed married for life. This made everything so much worse as my church was not there for me either. I became somewhat premiscuous as something in me died. I dated a man on and off for 4 years but he drank too much so I would not commit. I started dating a so-called Christian man from work for a year. We married but two months in at Christmas he gave me nothing and informed me he only married me to get back at his ex. My wonderful Lutheran pastor was there for me and my family to give comfort.

Not done yet. I did. I divorced him. I found out he since died. My kids dad and ex is still married to the woman he left me for. I am now alone at age I own a little condo, retired from State service after 30 years, have a lovely church, great friends, grandchildren, a job I enjoy with a boss I think highly of.

I have a small savings and a paid-for new car. I just came out of a 22 yr emotionally abusive relationship. I beat myself up mentally over the years by picking bad men. I felt maybe I was not worthy to be loved. I am a precious child of God who is worthy to love and be loved. I have been through hell but I am still standing and know that I am a good person.

I am at peace in my heart and spirit. It is sad that so many decent and good people end up with toxic people. I want the time I have in life to be healthy and peaceful. I am strong and blessed.

God bless each and every person on this site. You are all courageous survivors! My guy has recently developed a mental illness that behaves as schizophrenia but his favorite type of powerful abuse towards me is holding me or my belongings captive. Talk to his shrink. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at I sometimes think I am the victim. Someone enter my home without permission and without a key. Even worse, I think the verbal abuser at work hears the person who is doing it because they make out of order remarks.

I did nothing to arouse the anger. Totally my ex…. I got an injunction against her. She broke it, got arrested yet everything is my fault. Never accepted Responsibility for anything that has happened in her life. This really helped me to read this. Make me feel validated!! Thank you and please keep up the great work!!!

You know something Anne? Sarcasm, the lowest form of humor they say, can most definitely be verbally and emotionally abusive. Sarcasm is a big issue in this house, thank you for saying that. The lowest form of humor indeed — falls from mouths of cowards and bullies. I feel it hard to compare with my crush..

She is a kind of making me so unhappy.. My oldest daughter is verbally abusive. She is condescending, demeaning, belittles, ignores me and uses herself and my grandchild as a pawn. She does not see that she is verbally abusive. She also does not understand how it affects me.

I already suffer from PTSD, severe depression, anxiety and, social anxiety. When she treats me like this it makes me feel guilt and shame. She constant says that I am just having a pity party when I am depressed. How do I deal with this? Omg…I read these slides and this is my wife to a tee. I cannot believe what I am seeing.

I have felt worthless for so long. The cheating part really gets me. She accused me of cheating for so long to the point i had elicit conversations with someone last year, obv didnt help. My friend told me that she slept with her ex. I confronted her and she defended her ex! She got pregnant with my son close to that time frame my friend had said.

She went crazy! Screaming, blaming, threatening she would take my son from me! I am so distraught right now. My husband of 40 yrs. I left him once for 5 yrs but stupidly went back. I had some strokes from high bp from stress. I am trying to recover but he hounds me about the bills. Threatens to walk out and leave us high and dry. My daughter and grandson live here The doctor caught him harassing me about the car battery while I was hooked up to my EGG and put him out.

When the neurologist came to consult he was sitting there rudely reading a newspaper and peeling through the pages. What would a lawyer think? What are my rights? I am now very high risk for a fatal stroke and still he abuses me verbally.

Neither Kellie Jo Holly nor the mentors are counselors or doctors. Yes, that is true. Says so on every page of the website. Thank you for pointing out that Kellie Jo Holly and all of the mentors related to this site have left abusive relationships.

We have experienced them and come out on the other side. Im in my mid 30s. I am abused all the time. I am living a sad abused manipulated life. I can admit this right now. Almost a week no contact with that lying mother fucker that I love so much I had to let go so he can live doing his drugs and fucking up his life, without me making him a liar and a bad man.

I am no longer accepting his loud ass voice screaming fuck you you fucking piece of shit you N, you fucking cunt, you stupid dumb fuck fuck you!

I was stupid for ever allowing any disrespect to begin with. Years and years. Manipulated as fuck. Fuck that. Never again. I was a fool. But not anymore. Please no more!! No more pushing and screaming bad bad bad!! And he fucking hates me. I know I used to be someone!! I used to not be invisible!! Years and years of being a shit catcher is more than enough. I plan to close this part of my story and began again healthy.

There are 4 abusers in my life, three are women. I wonder how many abusers are collaterally concealed beneath the mis understanding that most abusers are men? Remember, all abusers were victims. So at some point, the numbers should average out. I agree that women could be culprits in just as many vicious, abusive relationships as men. Men should start speaking up more, reaching out for help. If men would do that, then the research could be more accurate.

I only wish we had the numbers to show it. One thing though — not all abusers were victims. Not all abusers are mentally ill, but there are some who are.

Okay, one other thing. Men have a difficult time getting past being so angry — and that, of course, ruins joy and the life they lead after abuse. Just be aware that there is help available to work through anger and come out healthier on the other side. He verbally and emotionally abuses me when I express my frustrations or opinions or feelings.

He has screamed this at me countless times. I do not swear back at him. When he rages, he very very rarely apologizes.. It floors me. He has forgot my birthday, anniversary and valentines day not every year, but a few times. I cry almost every day. I need to get into a positive mindset and learn ways to deal with my husband. We have son who will be a Sr. I need to use this next year to fix me.

On Monday, make an appointment to see your doctor about depression and anxiety. That way, you can double-team the abuse — fight back with a mentor and some meds. These descriptions of the abuse makes me feel stronger.

I need the book now. I have experienced almost all types of abuses and had just catogorize them into one name: manipulation and wondered if you could be unconciously manipulating someone.

I ask this as I have a friend who is there for me in bad times, yet at times name calling, judging and critizing, and countering happens. And it makes me question whether I should trust her as a friend.

I did grow up with extremely low self-esteem and eventually hit depression in my 20s. I started dating and ended up dating a narcissist as well. As I lacked confidence my whole life I wanted to learn from him.

But those invalidations started arising from him too. I called him out on it, maybe not in the best way, to which I assume he felt completely threatend and he broke up with me. However I do worry if it was also subconcious from my side, that I get pulled back into old environment i. Is it a deadly cycle, having experience abuse and unknowingly seeking it again and again? All you can do is shield yourself.

And yes, you could be drawn to the familiarity of an abusive pattern. You could be drawn to narcissists because you spent the better part of your life with one and, for better or worse, learned how to cope in that environment.

As for being drawn to confident men, that in and of itself is not a problem. However, until you become confident in yourself on your own, you will likely end up with the jerks. Work on your self-esteem, and your self-confidence. Finally, for your friend.

Tell her you notice certain things that make you uncomfortable. I stumbled on this website looking for more answers to fight the abuse my DH put my girls and me through. He had an affair w my close friend for several years before I found out. After confronting him when I discovered they were still in contact several months later I ended up leaving for nearly two years, caring for dad who had a stroke. We both did counseling and the councilor suggested I move back and try to make it work.

Long story short, he is still involved w her saying she keeps contacting him. I said STOP responding to her and it will stop. He showed me 2 emails she sent to say she was done w him. The worst of it is they are both alcoholics and drank and fought a lot.

Not wanting to leave. Also we have our middle daughter living w us w our grandson, and she relies on me for help. I have found my voice, not scared of leaving him as I was before. But honestly, the thought of leaving and striking out on my own after 30 years of marriage intimidates me.

I have a councilor and attend a Celebrate Recovery codependent group most weeks. I am hoping to hear from anyone here…! Knowing my wife about 10 years and married for 7, I do not have any single doubt that she is an abuser. I am so strongly attached to her and love her truly. I know I cannot help her with everything but I try to support her in any way I can, even though she hurts me from time to time I feel strong enough to deal with my emotions, or the abuse is not at a high level that i cant manage….

That way I can manage the whole period and survive out of it, but I cant say it does not leave any damage. I am well aware of her past, her family life, extremely abusive mother and an alcoholic father she had, but found some love from her lovely grandmother and that gave her a lovely side. I am also thinking about me and my current relationships with women and friends, I can see I am not clean in terms of being abusive. I recently keep silent and avoid seeing a friend, because he is an alcoholic.

I mean, I tried to control his alcohol habit, even telling him to drink that much that day and this much the other day…after seeing him he is not working enough about this I warned him and cut my contact. Actually, I warned him kindly explaining I cant continue seeing him because he is drunk almost every day and I told him his drinking culture is effecting me in a bad way, and even though I was not drinking as much as him beers a day i told him that I had decided to stop drinking and his daily routine is effecting me and making me drink more and more as I interact with him….

I took it as a sign that may be I was not showing enough respect and take her opinions serious enough…. She never blames me in such moments, and only once asked me in a peaceful voice why I am always against her opinions. I truly spent time working on it, and I am confident I improved showing her more than several times that I value her opinions, and I am aware that this improvement should be constant and not changing or simply going back in time.

I trust her judgments to some point, and she warns me I have been critical, or judgemental, simply putting my nose in every detail and overly excited exaggerating and selfish person from time to time. She might be right, but off course I am aware I do not deserve any form of abuse because of those. I think she appreciates that, is aware and gives her personal fight for her damaging sides. No, I am just doing whatever it takes to keep my wife, 7 year old son and myself happy.

Off course, abusive behaviors are not accepted, and are dealt. If things go to a point making individuals constantly hurting, sad and damaging…separation is always a way and I am in peace with such an option. From what you are saying I do not see you as an abusive person. Abuse in a relationship is about one person wanting power and control over the other person.

They achieve this through fear and intimidation. The victim starts monitoring their own words and actions in order to avoid the abuse. With your friend if he is an alcoholic you cannot control his drinking. His issue is not really the drinking.

The drinking is his way to cope with tough issues that he is struggling with or avoiding. An abuser will use threats on you to make you comply with their unrealistic demands. If you do not relent to their needs, the abuser will tend to withdraw by ignoring you or not wanting to be in the same room with you. In a normal argument, people will often come to a reasonable conclusion or find common ground. A verbally abusive person will tend to bring up the same argument over and over again without relenting.

In a relationship, you may have given your stand about some issues. Verbal abuse may not be too obvious to notice immediately. Abusers will even accuse you of being too sensitive and not having a sense of humor. Over time, verbal abuse takes a significant toll on the victim, and they lose their self-esteem and well being. The victim tends to question their existence and may view themselves as worthless, inadequate, and foolish. However, if you are a victim of verbal abuse, do not yield to these negative emotions as there is help for you.

With the right support, you can handle and overcome the abuse. If you live together or have children with them, it may be complicated, and you may want to involve a counselor or a support group.

Their advice will help you see things from a different perspective. Home Blog 11 signs of verbal abuse: How to spot it and what to do. I could go on because he is not my only worry but he says he cares but actions are opposite. He is putting his depression on me.

We fall in love and moved in together after 2 month-dating. Everything was fine and sweet around the first months. Sweet became sour. For example, he asked me to keep to chicken g just bought from Coles for him so he would cook it for dinner. I kept his chicken aside and I took another chicken from the fridge that I bought from other day to season because I was afraid it would be rotten. He came out from shower then he saw I was seasoning my chicken.

I explained that the chicken that he bought is kept aside and the chicken that I was seasoning was bought from the other day.

He showed me he had learn the way how to cut pineapple quicker. When I did not do his way, it means I did not appreciate and I was fucking around. As he said everything is my fault. I do not know whether or not it is my fault. He does love me. I know it. He bought a car for me. It is still his but I am appreciated his action. He proposed and willingly marry me if I have to return to my country. However, he abused me physically and said it is my fault for his action.

He said he is not that kind of person. I hurt him too much because I do not made him feel heard. He also blamed that he tried to numb his pain with weed. I moved out and am living with my aunty now. But I still love him and believe he loves me. I still keep the relationship with him.

I asked him to give me 1 year so I can finish my degree then I will move in again. He asks me to move in again. He feels our relationship tearing apart. But I cant decide. He said I am punishing him, make him lonely and depress if I do not act and move in with him. My fault is leave him and make public shame because I told my family that he had hit me several times.

If I move in with him, I make him happy and feel loved and care. But I am afraid that the situations which happened in the past would happen again. Even though he said if I do not take it as an offense but take responsibility to do better, it would not happen. Let him resent you. So what? Fact is that he makes you feel miserable. If you go back to him, things will be sweet for a day or month, but then it will get worse.

And worse. And worse until you have no where to run. He keeps telling me that I am a liar. He baits me to say things and then says I am lying.. I say no. Then he says if I lie about those little things, I am lying about all the other stuff, like seeing other guys.

I am so confused.. I am not seeing anyone else. Then he constantly calls me names, tells me that if I go shopping, I am slutting around and I should be home trying to make myself a better person. He tells me I am a horrible person and I should kill myself, and that everyone would be better off. He used to be so sweet and caring and at times he can be loving. I worry that he will find someone else and treat them better.

Maybe I can be better and he will love me more. He is abusing you. His true colors will eventually come out to her, too. It is his. You deserve more.

OMG, I cannot believe this, I live through this very same thing. I am questioned just like this and then he calls me a liar when I answer to his question…after he has switched the question around to make it sound negative.

He accuses me of anything under the sun, friends, family members, 16 year old son and anyone. He constantly threatens to leave…we pay half the rent together and it scares me every time it is time to pay rent because almost all the time he says he is leaving after something he has made up. He is draining, I was so fed up one day I finally called the police and had him escorted out after he spit on me and went on one of his bash me months..

I gave them a gun he keeps in the house that he is not suppose to have and let the chips fall how they fall. We had been forced to leave with a 60 day notice and I guess I was forced to make a decision because I never made one before.

Now I am in my own place but and he is over his brothers but he calls to try to get back together and saying he has no place to go because now he is on probation and also has to do a program that they are denying which means he may eventually have to go to jail for 2 months and lose his job and I feel bad but I also think everything is for a reason because before this happened he was terrible to me and would even pull the gun on me and accuse me of neighbors anyone.

All he sees is I called the police but not what lead up to it. I pray I have the strength to not allow this person to suck all the life out of me and stay in misery. My husband and I have been married for a year and 3 months. It has been the hardest 1 yr and 3 mos of my life. It all is not a good feeling. Mind you I had moved into his home after getting married. He had not done in structural repairs to the home for the 4 years he had been living there before me. So when I moved in, little by little I began to give the home some TLC, but he was not happy with it at all.

Part of our counseling was centered around him learning how to share the house with me and me being considered an equal partner in the decision making of the house. Well fast forward, we need some serious plumbing work done and instead of him investing or talking it out with me to make an action plan. He goes out and buy hats, clothes, shoes, liquor, electronics. It is annoying and a huge turn off. We are 10 yrs apart in age and he thinks he runs everything and knows everything.

He calls me stupid, dumb and tells me that I asked too many dumb ass questions for someone that has a master degrees. He likes to hit me underneath the belt. He says some hurtful words and is demeaning.

But when I ask him to stop calling me names he says it repeatedly just to make me feel hurt. When he calls me names and I say them right back to him. His car is down so he is at my mercy right now until he gets a new car. So we had a big argument about it.

I know it is going against the grain of discussing marital issues but I was so frustrated and hurt that I shared some of the events with my sister-in-law who is married to his brother. His brother has been married for 8 years. This is his younger brother. So my sister-in-law tells me her story of being in an abusive marriage before remarrying again.

It would not be a safe environment to bring a child into the mix. He has never hit me, but has made threats. His behavior is ridiculous and I tell him. He picks at me about the most stupidest thing like yesterday. I come in the house to a trashcan turned over. It is insane! You cook for yourself and pay all of the bills. I can show you better than tell you. So I started sleeping in the second bedroom with the door close.

I Meal prepped my food for the week for myself also. I also found out that he is on this dating website engaging in conversations with other women.

That too is very disrespectful to our marriage and relationship. He also had expressed to me during our argument yesterday to gladly leave my keys. AT ALL. I am more worthy of better. I made up in my mind last night to call my old apartment complex to see if they have anything available. I feel we need the space. Especially knowing what I know and I feel so disrespected.

The strangest things happened this morning while I was getting ready for church. I always watch the local news while getting ready.

This particular episode they were talking about Domestic Violence and different forms of abuse. Then someone at my church got up and told a testimony and coincidently she told the church how she had escaped an abusive relationship and is in a much better place now since attending our church for the past 2 months.

I mean it feels like an epiphany! It feels like GOD is sending me subtle messages through random things. Could you offer some suggestions, thoughts, opinions, please? Your sister-in-law handled herself well. No one can tell you to leave. Staying is a choice. If I could jump in your body right now and pack your or his! I believe God is trying to get through to you. I would leave the house and he is just out of control.

He drinks all day long.. She on the other hand will verbally attack me at the drop of a hat. She has serious trust issues, and has repeatedly accused me of not caring about her, cheating, lying, calling me cheap mind you I shower her with gifts, dinners, trips etc etc etc. I have two kids from a previous marriage, she has one from a previous. I treat her daughter like she was my own kid. Her ex is a terrible father.

I treat all 3 kids equally because I feel there should be no favorites. We went to a concert. I literally texted her pictures of the concert but was accused of not being at the concert at all. Another time, a family member of hers, who I never even met and lives on the other coast, saw a picture of me and told her parents I had contacted her on Facebook and wanted to get together.

I was floored when I heard that. Each time she explodes with anger and accuses me of something, it takes me days of trying to get her to sit down and talk with me. Things are better for a month then it happens again. Two days ago I was accused of giving her a used Flonase spray.

I could not believe what she was saying. I purchased a 3 pack at costco, gave my daughter one, kept one on the bathroom counter and tossed the third in a drawer. Why it was nearly empty I have no idea. But she concocted some crazy scenario that I had already used it and then gave it to her. She accused me of being too cheap to buy her a new one. I found that laughable considering I just spent 3 grand on a vacation for all of us.

Another time she exploded in the car because my son is a picky eater and we were all deciding where we should have dinner after a day out in Hollywood. She became so irate in the car, screaming about my son being a picky eater that she made my son ball his eyes out. I was so angry.

I literally almost left her on the street. I did not want to react to this in front of all three kids, so I simply said, we can discuss this some other time. We are not married, but have been engaged for two years, but we have a house together. Mind you at this point I do not want to marry her if this is what our life is going to be like.

I am at a crossroads and seriously considering ending this relationship. I am sick of all the crap she accuses me of and tired of her anger issues.

I love her but life should not be like this. Of course all couples will have disagreements, which is normal with any relationship. But this feels more like emotional abuse.

Just writing this makes me realize even more how screwed up our relationship is… I have never in my life been treated like this by anyone. Not even my ex-wife. I read your comment and it broke my heart. I feel like those of us who have commented on this page are walking punching bags.

Again, your lady is very lucky. I cook, clean, take care of our children ages 8,3 and 2 and I try my best to keep my husband happy. I gave up my career to be at home with our munchkins. I need new shoes as mine are getting worn out.

I feel worthless now. I bust my butt taking care of the children and taking care of the house, etc. I only have 50 cents. First I was in a 17 year marriage where my husband verbally and emotional abused me for almost the whole 17 years — I finally divorced him and been with my boyfriend for the last 3 years — I thought he was wonderful, the man of my dreams — He was great — spoiled me, cared for me, supported me, and loved me — Then it began — after a few months the verbal and emotional abuse started to appear — I reached out to an old boyfriend for attention and to seek positive comments about myself — Now he has found that out and the abuse is worse.

He is messing around with girls whom at 18 yrs younger than him — He is 44 and them 26 — They have drug trafficking records, child endangerment records, and who to say what he may bring home to me.

And of course it is my fault why he does all of this — because I am an idiot and stupid. He calls me a spoiled cottled brat, and says no one will ever want me. I cry when he hurts me and says I am a good faker and attention seeker.

PLease Help. Everything the abuser says is how he sees himself in some fashion. Abusers are egocentric to a degree — they only project what they feel about themselves onto their victims. Your abuser thinks you are horrible things because the abuser is a horrible thing. Think about it: He is a cheater. He is the whore. He is the idiot acting out in stupid, unhealthy and dangerous ways. No one really wants HIM as he is you only want him as you thought he was.

And finally, he is a good faker because he got you to believe his initial lies. Because she wun let me do them, or re does my efforts. Also he says he ready to die because of his liver in bad shape. He never hit me just verbal words, I tell his sister what goes on but no one else also he says sometimes if he had a gun he would shoot himself.

I do love him. And he also says alot of names. What I do is keep a journal and I keep my keys, phone and my wallet by me or hid it, where I can find them. I also learned not to say nothing back because he gets worse. Than its at a usually a certain time he starts. He calls idiot, stupid, and a couple more. When it was good it was heaven our love for each other was genuine.

And now i feel like my heart has just been torn apart and dissected all over again. Only this time my struggle is with finding a cure, a remedy, healing and finally closure ,as much as i want to be with him as bad as i am i realised that he is not responsible for my issues and i am not to blame or responsible for his verbal abuse.

Change accompanied with strength courage and wisdom oh and tons of patience lol i might actually come out conquering and most of all changed healed and restored.

For everyone who has shared there story in here thank you ever so much for giving me the courage to confess mine i dont feel so alone anymore. My husband consistently accuses me of cheating on him.

What he said or how he supposedly looks at me. I quit working with my husband to avoid these issues. I never respond to the messages. I will unfriend the man who sends them to me. But if my husband sees the messages, he will take a picture with his phone. He will let anger build up before he finally tells me he saw messages. Then he calls me a cheater and a liar. I stay home all day. I take care of my 3 kids and his 2 kids. I get no appreciation from him, his kids, or their mother.

He lied about the whole ordeal. Said he was sorry and that it was an accident. I let it go. I never go through his phone or any of his accounts.

Recently, he was spying again and found a message from a man that I never even opened. He called me a liar and cheater and now wants a divorce. I have felt so isolated from everyone. I stay home to avoid being accused. He did not even get angry. I cried and he walked right past me and sat down to watch tv. So he said he wants a divorce and that I am the one verbally abusing him!!

He makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. He makes me feel like maybe it is me. He only came back because it was his weekend to have his kids. He never told me where he was. And so I feel guilt. I have no job and nowhere to go. I lost many friends when I married him bc of his jealousy. I talked to my mom about all of this and without me knowing, she sent him a text.

That was my fault, too.